Sexual Fantasy and Shame: Why We Don’t Talk About It and How Therapy Can Help

In therapy clients often begin with “I’ve never told anyone this before” – what follows this often is encapsulated in grief, childhood trauma, anxiety or relationship difficulties. Sometimes and more often than you may think it’s about sex, more specifically sexual fantasies.

Clients often lower their voice, display some anxiety and can apologise for having an internal narrative around their sexual fantasies. Many fear judgement and some worry that their fantasy means there is something ‘wrong’ with them. Others feel embarrassed even bringing it into the therapy room, as naming their fantasy makes them feel vulnerable to exposure. This is just not the case, sexual fantasies are common and vital to our sexual functioning and provide a deeper understanding of our erotic template, unfortunately the shame felt from fantasies can be felt as distressing and unhelpful to relationship development. 

Sexual fantasy is an essential part of our internal framework exploring individual desire and it’s a space for people to understand play, curiosity and pleasure without requiring any real action. 

Fantasies may be experienced as – 

·      Romantic and tender

·      Taboo or unconventional

·      Non-monogamy

·      New and exciting experiences

·      Exploring gender and sexual identity

·      Passion, romance and emotional fulfilment

·      Anonymous or purely physical

·      Power-driven, surrender, control or being desired

·      Wildly unrealistic

Many people are surprised by what they experience within their fantasy self as these often don’t necessarily match how they present themselves in the real world. This isn’t a sign things are wrong – it’s an insight into being a sexual being and allows connection to their unique erotic template.

“If I fantasise about something does this mean I want it in real life?”

This poses an interesting question and the simple answer is no not necessarily. Many people mistakenly treat fantasy as a confession of intent to play it out but fantasy is not always a literal definition. It can be an indicator and offer clues as to what may need to be done to strengthen a sexual relationship or highlight certain things we are not getting in our relationship. Fantasies are sometimes things that need to stay as a fantasy but by acknowledging them and talking about them both reduces the stigma surrounding fantasy and can contribute to a heightened erotic experience. In recent research 4 out of 5 people have a desire to act out their fantasies but only 1 out of 5 actually do. 

 So why do they feel so hard to talk about?

Even in secure relationships people keep fantasies secret out of fear of being judged, misunderstood or rejected. There is a worry that sharing fantasies could destabilise their relationship and feel like there is a lack of fulfilment in the relationship. 

An individual may perceive their fantasy as rare or uncommon which in turn can develop an internal dialogue of this is “wrong” and disgusting to think about. It can then activate feelings of shame and guilt and embarrassment and may hinder sexual functioning.

Contrary to this, recent research has shown that allowing fantasies into a relationship is an important and significant part of developing deeper sexual connection – fantasies are likened to the petrol in a car that makes it go. Fantasies can contribute to getting closer and allows couples to identify the differentiation between them and by determining how a couple sits apart this in turn opens up space for greater togetherness. 

What fantasies can reveal about you?

Psychosexual therapy can offer a safe and secure place to explore your fantasies and understand what they may be offering. It removes the shame-induced narrative of “What is wrong with me?” and replaces it with opportunities that include – 

·      What feelings do I get from my fantasy?

·      What need might it be expressing?

·      What am I missing from my sexual relationship?

·      Do I have unresolved difficulties from my past?

This helps reduce shame felt with fantasies and reconstructs it to insight into desire and arousal. 

Couples and Intimacy

When fantasies are hidden and kept secret it can contribute to an individual having difficulties in –

·      Asking for what they want and enjoy during sex

·      Feeling present during sex

·      Connecting during sex and treating it as a task

·      Emotional connection

Exploring fantasies can be an important window into a person’s wants and needs and does not need to be acted out, simply being seen and heard develops connection and meaning to a relationship. 

A Safe Place to Talk without Shame

Psychosexual therapy offers an opportunity for people to explore things that have always been kept hidden and secret in a safe non-judgemental space. 

It can help you –

Unravel fantasy from fear

Reduce shame and self-criticism

Explore identity, desire and arousal

Develop sexual communication skills

Develop more fulfilling and pleasurable experiences

In summary fantasies are common and complex and by taking a responsible, consensual and safe approach to them they can have a significant and positive impact on intimate relationships. Fantasies are not wrong or shameful they are informative and an important part of our sexual identity – they contribute to making us human. 

Additional Reading – 

Further Reading (Brett Kahr, Justin Lehmiller & Esther Perel)

Justin J. Lehmiller – “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life” Based on a large study of sexual fantasies (4,000+ participants), exploring what fantasies mean and how to reduce shame around them. 

Brett Kahr – “Sex and the Psyche: The Truth About Our Most Secret Fantasies” (UK edition). Examines the private world of fantasy, based on extensive research, and explores shame, secrecy, and what fantasies can reveal emotionally. 

Brett Kahr – “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?” The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies (US edition / Basic Books) 

Esther Perel – “What You Don’t Understand About Sexual Fantasies” (blog) — a clear, accessible reflection on fantasy as imagination, hope, and mystery. 

Esther Perel – “Eroticism Suffered in 2020; Fantasy Thrived” (Letters from Esther) — explores fantasy as aliveness during stress and constraint.

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